Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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