a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Pooping to opera.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
