Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
