There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
