First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
My vagina just recognized that song.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
