At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
