Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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