drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
