There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Randomize
