I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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