All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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