I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Are we still banned from the library?
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
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