Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
