I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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