I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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