I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
