swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
