you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Still dying that you shit outside
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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