literally had 100 drinks last night.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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