Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
