you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
