1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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