All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Randomize
