someone threw a dead crab at me
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
