my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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