I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
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