So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
