shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
