No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
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