Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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