i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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