Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
