Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
