so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
