I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
