Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
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