Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
