You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
