So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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