I hope mine doesn't look like that
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
