I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Life is so much better after having sex.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
