i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
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