btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
