i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
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