you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
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