haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
