When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
