next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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