now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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