What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Randomize
