it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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